This one is a bit difficult

This one is a bit difficult and names have been changed to protect the innocent

1983 “Just a Swangin” hit the radio waves and Susan McCoy and I would sing it to the top of our lungs as we walked the gravel road between our houses. She lived in a nice house full of nice things. Family pictures adorned the walls, knick knacks covered shelves, toys were plentiful and so were smiles and hugs. I wasn't in her house very often and she was never in mine. But we spent a lot of time walking, talking and singing.

Sometimes we'd walk back down to my house, Susan would wait at the top of the hill while I went inside. I'd wake my mother and she would write a bad check for $1.00 so I could go to the pool in Stearns. Susan never came beyond the top of the hill. I'm not sure if she was afraid or if her parents forbid it... we didn't talk about it... it was just understood.

I had a couple of older step-brothers, Wayne and Kevin. Looking back I don't think they were bad seeds its just that they grew up in a home that I had only lived in a short time. And in that short time I knew a great deal of suffering. I remember empty cabinets and a barren refrigerator... the only things hungrier were the fleas. And a step-father full of anger and contempt. I remember going to the kitchen over and over hoping something had appeared... searching again and again. I hadn't eaten days when I found a full bottle of vitamin E in the small cabinet above the stove. I ate them all greedily. I didn't offer to share them with anyone I just ate them as fast as I could. I'm not sure which sickened me more... not sharing them or the pills themselves. Live as I knew was decaying very quickly. A pinnacle moment came one evening mid summer. I remember it had been raining... it was still warm but not terribly hot. I was in my room with a radio playing close to my head. It was better that way. It sounded much louder close to my head but it didn't irritate my step-father. He drove black Chevy Chevette with a bad muffler so I heard it pull onto the carport. I didn't even know he was gone. Just in case I turned the radio down just a bit. I heard him cursing and ranting... and I heard my mother shouting too. He had come across a few dollars somewhere from someone and used it to buy beer. Mother was enraged started popping open the cans and pouring the beer down the drain... violence erupted. I saw him walk by my bedroom door... he glared as he went by.... he returned after a moment with a pistol in his hand. I heard foot steps thundering out of the house from the other bedrooms. I was frozen. I heard the storm door open.. there were several shots fired and the door opened and closed again. I jumped out of bed and ran down the hallway right into him. He grabbed me by the shirt and dragged me outside. Once on the carport he put the gun to my head and began shouting for my mother to come out of the woods or he'd shoot me. His voice echoed through the woods but the only sound that followed were drops of rain falling from the leaves. He dragged me back inside and pulled me from door to door and back again for what must have been an hour. I kept thinking he was going to shoot me by accident if not on purpose. Eventually I couldn't take anymore. I reached for the gun. He was holding it sloppily and he just let it go. He let go of my shirt and I ran to my room. I slammed the door and put my back against the door and my feet against the bed. He pushed on the door. I thought I could keep him out but he pushed his way into the room....took the gun and slapped me to the floor. He turned and staggered back down the hall. I stood up and got my bearings and ran out the front door... I ran up the hill.. around the curve.. I ran all the way to Susan's front door. Her father answered the door. I hadn't reacted until that moment. He asked me what was wrong... I said call the police... he has a gun... and then I cried so hard I couldn't breathe...

We left for Elkhart right after that. We stayed with my aunt on Taylor street. It wasn't ideal.. My older cousin was a jerk and my aunt wasn't crazy about having us there but it was safe. I have a lot of good memories of that place. There weren't a lot of kids to play with on our street but I had a Big Wheel... a street with almost no traffic. Studebaker park was close and Mary Beck elementary had a playground and nice wide sidewalks all the way around the building. It was Nirvana. The rest of the summer was one of the best I can remember. I felt lost when started...I had never been in a school like that before. My classroom had no walls and we sat on the carpet a lot of the time. I don't think my teacher was very fond of me either... I suspect it had something to do with my older cousin and maybe some thrown eggs. But it was safe.

I remember how absolutely amazing Halloween was. Back home your parents drove you around to houses scattered here and there... but in Elkhart I took a pillow case and hit the streets. I had never seen so much candy. I had a great time until a pirate snatched my pillow case. My cousin got it back for me. He didn't let me hang around him but he was close enough when it happened to chase the kid down and take me bag back... I guess he wasn't such a jerk all the time. I was safe.