Dear Teen...

Dear Teen,

You didn't come with an instructional pamphlet or one single care instruction. And odds are I wasn't fully grown up when I started the long journey of raising you.

You've reached a time in your life when you think you get it. You think you know everything there is to know... or you know all you need to know anyway. Life... to you seems cut and dry, black and white.... simple. You tell me you hate me... you disrespect me. You hurt me more than you can imagine... and you think that you are the injured one... because I have tried to control you... I'm a dictator not a parent...you say.

If you only knew the sacrifice... the things I've done without so that you could have. The tears I've shed worrying when you were sick... the sleep I've lost wondering if I gave you the right advice... the stress of managing my own hectic work week while struggling to get you to do your homework in between cooking you supper and washing your clothes. The guilt I've felt over getting upset with you.... and the anguish I've felt because I can't give you everything you want.

I've cleaned diarrhea when you took your diapers off... let you throw up on me when you wanted to be held when you were sick... worn your snot on my shirt to work... played with you when I was too tired to move. Worked double shifts to pay for clothes and toys.

You see... I wasn't always a parent... I was once like you. But then you came into the world and my life changed. I stopped putting me first like you are now. I put away my old life and became a parent. I began living for you rather than for me. And I have done that for seventeen years. I want you to think about that when you choose which tone to speak to me in... or the language you choose to use when talking to or about me. Think of me holding you in my arms... worrying... wondering... hoping... loving... loving you more than I love life itself.

Respectfully,

Your Parent.

Tiger Hunting- Dream 2/3/14

Orville Solomon Gregory... That was the name of my Grandpa. He was kind and patient. And I know those traits ran deep because had they been superficial I would have found the edges very quickly. I was what you might call a difficult child.

Now that I'm grown I have a deeper respect for him. Because as difficult as I was he never failed to have me at his side. He took me with him every where he went.

"Lets go, Boy." He would say and off we'd go.

No matter how far I pushed my limits the strongest thing he ever said to me was "Upon my honor, Boy".

I loved my Grandpa.

Last night We were in Jellico, Tn..... Sitting at Burger King with my Nephew Dakota. It was a great dream. I just sat back in my seat and watched and listened. Grandpa's bright blue eyes sparkled with life. His skin was a dark leathery brown and his smile infectious..... he was jovial. The scene reminded me of all the time I'd spent at his side and much I missed him.

It was a perfect day. The weather was warm but not too hot. Maybe a hint of spring shower in the air. Laughter..lunch and then we heard the announcement over the radio... A hush fell over the restaurant.

A tiger was on the loose.... A tiger was on the loose in Jellico. They were putting the entire town on lock down.

Dakota's eyes were wide as he peered out the window... scanning for a glimpse of the beast.

"Lets go, Boys." Grandpa was already out of his seat. He was hard of hearing and rarely wore his hearing aid so I assumed he hadn't heard the announcement.... so I told him what it had said.

"Ah, tiger my hind end."

We walked outside and Grandpa stopped and scanned the trees. His old baby blue ford pickup was in the parking lot but we walked away from it rather than toward it. The three of us walked down the sidewalk at a leisurely pace.

"Where are we going?" Dakota asked with his hands jammed in his pockets and looking up into the trees like Grandpa.

"There he is." Grandpa said as he pointed to the top of an old oak.  He pulled a pistol out of his pocket and fired a couple of rounds... the tiger began to crawl down the tree. He fired a couple more shots and handed the gun to me.

"Hit em Boy, My hands aint steady."

I took aim at the tiger... he was nearly down the tree...almost close enough to leap to the ground. I fired once and heard the soft thud of the impact.... he faltered and fell... I'd hit his leg. He was on the ground in front of me.. I fired again and shot him through the eye.

The second the animal fell..... Grandpa pulled his keys from his pocket....handed them to Dakota and told him to go get the truck. It made me smile because I was his age when Grandpa had me do his driving... I laughed a little... I was eight when he first told me to get behind the wheel.

Dakota brought the truck and we loaded the tiger into the back.... and we drove home.

The dream was over but I got to see Grandpa... and watch him with Dakota and remember what it was like for me when I was a kid. And I got to go tiger hunting.

The Lost Dinosaur

During the 70's my Mother made many treks to and from Elkhart Indiana and Mccreary County Kentucky. It was about an eight hour drive, provided we didn't veer off to Ohio or make more than one trip around Indianapolis.

I don't remember the details of each trip.... Instead I remember the collective feel. Vinyl bench seats I would slide around on when it was cold and stick to when it was hot. The rumble of a V8 Chevy with a bad muffler or the throaty growl of a Pontiac with bad shocks... rocking like a ship on gentle sea's.

I remember how rolling all the windows down in the summer heat turned the interior into a convection oven. And pressing my face against the cold glass in the winter... yearning to escape the never ending chain of smoldering Moor cigarettes hanging from my Mothers lips.

But one thing still bothers me.... My Brother and I had a pair of hard rubber dinosaurs... you know the type... no moving parts but flexible enough to let the limbs wiggle or the mouth nearly close. Well anyway we entertained ourselves for hours in the back seat... engaged in epic dinosaur battles... Until Kokomo...

We stopped at a little place called Sherrill's.... I'm not sure if its still there but there was an amusing sign out front that read... "Eat and get gas here."  And like my kids today... my Brother and I had to use the bathroom everywhere we stopped. And against our Mothers instruction we took our dinosaurs into the bathroom with us.

We were miles down the road before we realized that my little Brother had left his dinosaur standing on the back of the toilet. We begged her to turn around but she was on a mission and it didn't involve rescuing a wayward T-Rex. He cried....we cried. I gave him my dinosaur but we were still a dinosaur short. The play was over... the battles had come to an end... forced out of our imaginations by the lost dinosaur.

Elements

In my youth I weathered a lot of storms. I stood firm and fast in the eye too many times. It happened so often that the storm became part of me. I needed to be blinded by lightning... deafened by thunder... pelted by rain... I needed the wind to tear at me.

And so when I became the master of my own world. I brought the storms on myself. I sought them out. I was.... comfortable in my familiar element.

I needed the assurance that came with weathering a storm. Over and over again I subconsciously sought the turbulent air. No matter how hard I shivered or how much the rain stung my skin I could hear myself whisper... I can do this.

And I could... But I shouldn't have. I just didn't consider the toll. For I time I thought the storms would only serve to temper me...and they did but they also exacted a price. Now that Ive found shelter from the storm I've realized that they've left me feeling haggard and tired before my time.

How do you step back into the fray... ready to battle the elements? How do you know when its time to come in out of the rain?

Woodsy Owl

It feels good to do the right thing... Doesn't it?

Sure...sometimes the act of "doing right" can cause discomfort or strain...embarrassment occasionally. After all... no good deed goes unpunished, right?

But even with a cost... no matter how great... somewhere inside us... we can find that warm fuzzy feeling that comes along with just doing the right thing.

Is it inborn? Or are we taught to through experience during our development ?
If it is inborn..when does it first manifest itself?

I can remember sitting in the back of a near empty bus on my way home from elementary school. And watching as a few other kids picked on another boy on the bus. I was more than shy... I was the kind of kid that hid inside his coat well into spring. I tried so very hard to not be seen...or heard. But I watched and listened always. That day at school all of the children were given a "Woodsy Owl" forest service packet. It was a small bag with literature..games and stickers. Nothing terribly important but to a kid it was something. Well, the other boys kept picking and taunting... One of them grabbed the little boys owl adorned bag and threw it out the bus window. The very instant it cleared the window I sprang out of my seat... screaming all the way down the isle "STOP THE BUS!!!" The bus driver hit the brakes before I made it to his seat. I had to catch myself to keep from falling. I'd startled him... he asked me what I thought I was doing...in a very... excited tone. But it didn't phase me. I shifted my shouts to "OPEN THE DOOR"...which he did. If it happened today I'd be surprised but back then... it was a different world. I ran back down the side of the highway and picked up the Woodsy bag.. I remember having that feeling when I laid my hands on that bag. When it went out the window I was horrified...I felt his pain instantly...I ran down the isle feeling his disappointment... feeling how sad he'd feel about not getting to present his prize to his mother when he got home....it was unbearable. But when I laid my hand on that bag I felt wonderful. I felt like I could do anything. And when I handed it back to him.. he smiled at me... With his cheeks still wet with tears... he smiled at me. He didn't say a word... but I knew that the world was right again... there on that bus the world went wrong for a moment and I helped set it right. It meant something to me.

I suppose... I think we are born with it... and that was the first time I had really paid attention to what was right and wrong because I saw a human cost to it. Of course I had done wrong a thousand times but at that moment I saw that doing wrong hurt other people. That was the moment that it "kicked in" for me.

The reason I am bringing all of this up... is this.

Tonight a person... a person that causes me a great deal of grief... had the chance to do something simple and easy... something that had the potential to harm others if left undone... a chance to do the right thing. And that person opted to not do the right thing. And I wonder if some people never get their Woodsy moment.... if they never have that moment when one realizes that we are all connected....that one can experience another's sorrow.

I think you can teach a person to do the right thing from day one... but if they never get the chance to feel something through someone else then maybe it is all too easy to opt not.

Of course I could be completely wrong but I have to say I am thankful for Woods Owl.

The child support system in this country does more harm than good.... research it yourself.

I grew up without a father. I was raised by a single mother... an aunt and grandparents. I.. or rather.. my Mother never received child support.

As an adult I was married in 1990 and had a son a few years later. A few years after that I was divorced and a full time custodial father.

After that I remarried and had another son. Three years later came another divorce and my ex-wife became the custodial parent. After several years things changed and I felt his well being was at stake and his best interests would be to live with me. I spent thousands and thousands of dollars to win custody... a battle that I would not have had to fight, given the circumstances, had the genders been reversed.

I remarried later on and had two more sons. after eleven years we divorced and she became the custodial parent. Our time was split equally... exactly 50% with each of us. Even still I was ordered to pay 650.00 USD per month in child support. This went on for several years. My income dropped over a summer and I asked the court to modify the support payment based on my greatly reduced income... No. I was told flat No. Even though they were under my roof exactly 50% of the time and so half the time I had to maintain a home and provide for them and still continue to pay the same amount...

In August of last year my oldest son from my last marriage came to live with me. Naturally I asked my ex-wife to contact the local child support office in Scott County Tn and notify them of the change... she did not. I called them myself but to no avail. I formally requested a hearing in writing but was never granted a hearing. I am still waiting for that hearing. In the meantime I began to accrue arrearages because I was not going to continue to pay the same amount of child support having one child with me full time and one child with her full time. Our earnings were equal.. our time and responsibility was equal. Now... eventually my drivers license and then my professional license were suspended due to non-payment of child support. I called for hours...days trying to appeal to someone who had some sense of right and wrong..or fairness or even the patience to hear me out but that's not how it works apparently.

Now I sit here with no means of supporting my family...even though I have never faltered...not once in my duty as a father..as a parent.. as both mother and father... not once have I ever failed to be there. I have supported financially...emotionally... I've taught..guided..instructed... comforted... loved... praised... worried and fretted... I have been there. But that doesn't matter and I can't get anyone to listen.

Foxy

Round and round the rabbit hole, the fox just digs in vain.
How do I get him? How do I get him?
The riddle would drive me insane.
Thank goodness he's sly and not very bright...
The thought never enters his brain
And he plans on digging all night.